This week is a writing week for me! Apart from books, I also write screenplays with my writing partner Andy Squires. Andy, pictured here as a psycho, soldier and besuited psycho, is an actor, and, obviously, writer. We met last year on the set of a documentary called ACTING RAW, and spent a week playing Scottish heroin addicts - a terrible and dangerous stereotype, because of all the needles and bagheads.
After the documentary, we decided we would write a screenplay over the summer. We did, and this is BUDDY MOVIE. This year we are writing our second screenplay, MEMOIRS OF A BALL BOY, another ‘tastic comedy, this time about an ageing, once-famous ball boy who writes his autobiography and battles with his nemesis, Ball Girl, to regain his fame and clear his name of the shadow of ‘the accident’, an event that ended his career at the age of 14 in 1987.
A little diary of events so far: Andy picked me up yesterday and we headed for his home town of Leeds. On the way we discussed TV shows and Andy taught me some facts about tsunamis. When we got in, we ordered Indian food and got to work. Very little time for small talk in our writing weeks, as we have to snatch time when we can. Also, we love writing, so after a five hour drive, we couldn’t wait to sit down and write until midnight, when Andy’s contact lenses dried up and I lost the will to be awake.
Over dinner we chatted about the story.
We had been looking forward to watching it, but spent the entire time going ‘wuuut?’ to a lacklustre central performance from Vince Vaughn, an unconvincing love story (because of Vaughn’s dullness and moodiness), a badly plotted and strangely written script which lacked basis in reality, only one central woman out of ten characters who ‘must be a lesbian’ because she can throw a ball, and a team of protagonists that had no developed characters. Ben Stiller, however, was HILARIOUS:
Today, we have been discussing the film. Andy also received his royalties from an appearance in EMMERDALE for ITV. He got:
£1.63 from Finland
£1.66 from Sweden
£4.71 from New Zealand (he’s popular there)
£2.39 from Australia
48p from the United Arab Emirates (bit tight really)
Andy is a massively famous, international actor, and I’m really honoured to be working with him, despite the fact that everybody has to refer to him as Sir Squires and hear him talk about how he should have won an Oscar for his line as a prosecution solicitor in EMMERDALE:
I really think he’ll help us sell in the Emirates, and particularly New Zealand. Tune in tomorrow to hear more from me, as Andy has people who type for him. He’s training a baboon, but it’s not the right type. Let’s get conkers deep in MEMOIRS OF A BALL BOY!